Ito ay nasa kulay ng pula, mga pisnging tila nagiging kamatis sa tuwing kasama ka. Kulay ng mga bulaklak na ibinibigay mo sa uma-umaga.

Ito ay nasa kulay ng kahel, kulay ng isang nagbabagang apoy sa malamig na gabi. Maalindog ngunit maaari ring magdulot ng panganib.

Ito ay nasa kulay ng dilaw, tulad ng araw na nagbibigay buhay sa bawat nilalang. Pagsikat nito’y hudyat ng pag-asa, parang pagkakilala sayo na Diyos pa ang nagtadhana.

Ito ay nasa kulay ng berde, mga kulay ng dahong nasa itaas natin kapag nakaupo tayo sa ilalim ng isang puno habang kinakantahan mo ako ng mga awiting Pinoy. Kulay ng isang isang halamang busog sa kanyang mga pangangailangan, ako simula nang makilala ka.

Ito ay nasa kulay ng asul, isang kalangitan na walang ulap sa katanghalian. Kulay ng kapayapaang namamayani sa bayan. Takbo ng aking buhay simula nang dumating ka, payapa.

Ito ay nasa kulay ng lila, tulad ng damit na ibinili mo para sa ikapitong anibersaryo natin. Ang naging kulay ng pinapangarap nating bahay sa hinaharap na pupunuin ng pagmamahal at masasayang ala-ala. Bubuo ng di man perpekto, ngunit isang matayod na pamilya.

Ito ay punong-puno ng kulay, umaapaw tulad ng damdaming di na maisukat para sa iyo. Hindi ko alam na maaari palang makadama ng ganito. Ano man ang mangyari, basta ito ang totoo, mamalin kita hanggang sa dulo ng mundo.

Ngunit…

Sa hindi inaasahan, ito’y napunta sa kulay ng itim, kulay ng nadama noong nakita kang kasama siya. Kulay ng buhok niyang napakatuwid at napakaganda. Kulay ng pait na naramdaman sa kaligayahan mong hindi na ako ang kasama. Kulay ng mga sumunod na araw na hindi ikaw ang aking kapiling sinta. Kulay ng aking kwarto, sa dilim ay wala ka nang makikita.

Sumunod ay nasa kulay na ng puti, ano nga ba ang nagawa ko? Siguro’y nawala na nga sa tamang pagiisip. Ano ba ang nangyayari? Ano ba ang naging desisyon ko? Bakit purong puti ang nakikita? Ewan ko ba, siguro’y pagod na nga ako nang sobra, pagod na pagod na mahalin ka, kahit hindi na ito tama.

x

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Have you ever felt like life is just full of irony? For me life is ironic. It takes sadness to know what happiness is. Noise to appreciate silence. Absence to value presence. And ironically, life exists to perish.

According to Joni Mitchell, “You don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.” This ironic quotation serves as a warning to appreciate what we have now, as you’ll never know how long will you have it… health, wealth, friends, loved ones, whatever – it applies to everything.

There’s one person that comes to my mind instantly whenever I hear this quote. My Lolo. I have known to be the “Lolo’s girl” in our family. I remember when I was in Kindergarten, my Lolo has always been the one who's looking after me at school and then if I noticed that he's not there by the window, I sneak out of the classroom and go home. I never wanted to go to school if he’s not with me. They say I was the favorite "apo".

My achievements in school are one of the things I’ve always wanted to share with him. Yes, he was able to attend my graduation in elementary but he passed away when I was in 3rd year high school. He wasn’t able to attend my high school graduation. I wasn’t able to tell him personally that I have finally graduated. I wasn’t able to tell him that I passed the UPCAT. And most importantly, I will not be able to tell him the words: “Tatang, sasablay na po ako.”

Truly, there are things I wish I did when he was still with us. I wish I had the chance to pay back all the love and care he has given me when I was young. Ironically, you will truly appreciate one’s worth until you lose them. But of course, I am happy for he is with God now, and he will always be in my heart.

There are also other little things in my life which I think are ironic.

Like, taking Comm3, where in fact I’m not really into speaking in front of an audience. But of course I did not regret taking this course. After all, if I didn’t take it this semester, I will still take it next semester or next year or whenever I’d feel like taking it.

Also, sometimes, some of my younger friends, whom I consider as non-biological siblings, asks for advice about their problems with love, yet I’ve always screwed in this aspect even when just at the “dating” stage, actually I’ve never been in a relationship.

Another is that, I think one of my best quality is that I'll give everything of myself to someone I care about, which is, ironically, also my worst quality.

These past few days, I’ve been asking myself, why do we have to live a life full of irony? It's not a question of why do we have to live. I mean, why not just a simple life where we can have whatever we want? Why does someone have to let go of you if he or she truly loves you? Then my brother told me, “It’s still your choice if you want to live your life ironically. You don’t have to fool yourself.”

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The philosophical problem of evil is how can evil exist in a universe created by an all-powerful God? If God is the ground of all being, how can there be evil created by a concept of the all-good? His goodness must permeate every atom of the universe. Therefore, from whence does evil come?

Some have compared evil to darkness. If God is light that shines upon all things, the things themselves upon which the light shines cast shadows. That shadow is evil, or the absence of light, the absence of God. This answer is not satisfactory even if it is poetic. It contradicts the nature of God as all-powerful and all-pervasive.

In the Old Testament apocryphal story of Job, God allowed the Devil to cast evil upon Job in order to test the latter’s faith. Job had been faithful in his religious duties and had been blessed with fortune, family and health. When the Devil told God that Job was faithful only because he was also fortunate, God told the Devil “Try him out. Give him bad fortune.” So the Devil took away Job’s fortune, many of his family and his health. When his neighbours saw what happened to Job, they told him “What happened to your God? You remained faithful to him but he has given you all these misfortunes.” Job answered back that he remained faithful to God despite everything.

But when Job confronted God, he asked Him “Why have you done this to me? I have been faithful in all of my duties and I have trusted in you. What you are doing to me does not make sense.” God answered back, “Who are you to question Me? Where were you when I laid down the foundations of the universe?”

The story has two unusual points. First, in this story, there exists a devil in conversation with God. The devil is the embodiment of evil. In this legend, there exists a devil in the presence of God. Second point is that God allows evil to befall on man as a means of testing his faith. Third, God scolds Job for questioning His sense.

What this story tells us therefore is that evil exists in the world even in the presence of God. But God allows evil to befall man and God defies logic and sense.

All throughout the Old and the New Testament, the chosen people bewail their misfortune despite the fact that they are the chosen people of God. The story of Job resonates most in the plight of the six million Jews that were murdered by the Nazis in the Second World War. This is one solution to the problem of evil but it is of little comfort especially to those who died in the Holocaust.

Elie Wiesel exclaims in his novel, “As for me, I have ceased to pray. I concurred with Job! I was not denying His existence, but I doubted His absolute justice.”  But Akiba Drumer explains, perhaps in reply, “God is testing us. He wants to see whether we are capable of overcoming our base instincts, of killing the Satan within ourselves. We have no right to despair. And if He punishes us mercilessly, it is a sign that He loves us that much more…”

Another solution to evil is that it is a product of man’s free will. In the story of the Garden of Eden, man was given free will in that he had the power to choose whether or not to eat the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Free will must be understood to commit error, commit sin, commit evil. Without the capacity to commit sin, one does not have the capacity to do good. Where there is no free will, there is no good. So free will presupposes the capacity to do evil. Robots or people that are pre-programmed do one thing and not another cannot be said to have free will. Free will presupposes choice and choice presupposes the option to choose wrongly.

The Greeks have a variation of this free will. They do not understand free will so much as sin as they see it as ignorance. Evil arises when people cannot see the good and therefore do not pursue it. Where, in the Bible, sin is a product of perversity or rebelliousness. In the Greek tradition, error lies in ignorance. But whether in the Hebraic or the Greek tradition, the idea of evil or sin is connected to the idea of the flawed nature of man, that is either his perversity or his ignorance. And certainly in the case of the Holocaust, the murder of six million Jews, the perversity of the Nazi regime, or its ignorance, can be seen as the cause of the suffering.

But this evades another question. What of the evil in the form of great natural calamities, over which man has no control? Nuclear devastation may be man-made but volcanic eruptions, hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis, none of these can be traced to man’s doing. Therefore the idea that man’s free will or ignorance is the cause of evil does not explain satisfactorily the phenomenon of evil.

The idea of Leviathan and Behemoth as extraordinary entities of nature much greater than man but not identical with God is used to explain evil of a mammoth scale, beyond the control man but not an instrument of God’s will. These biblical concepts allow an explanation of great natural disasters that are beyond good and evil. They are natural phenomena, not man-made of God-willed events. This is a partial solution to the problem of the phenomenon of evil. But still it does not fully explain how such evil can exist in a universe created by God because it suggests that the attribute of omnipotence of God should be re-examined. God may have created the universe but, to follow the theology of the Deists, after God created the universe, He allowed the universe to take its course without his intervention. This is not traditional Catholic but it partially explains the phenomenon of evil in the universe created by an almighty God.

In conclusion, the problem of the phenomenon of evil cannot be resolved without confronting the attribute of omnipotence of God. This attribute clashes logically with the fact of evil. And the two explanations available, man’s free will and the entities of Leviathan and Behemoth, detract from the doctrine of omnipotence. There is simply no going around this logical track unless one denies the fact of evil in the world.

Another alternative is to consider reason or our sense of justice and fairness to be purely human concepts that cannot be applied to God who is beyond nature. Logic does not apply to Him since logic is a mere creation of His. We mortals cannot question the puzzles of creation since we were not present at the creation itself. Akiba Drumer again says, “Man is too insignificant, too limited to even try to comprehend God’s mysterious ways. But what can someone like myself do? I’m neither a sage nor a just man. I am not a saint. I’m a simple creature of flesh and bone.” It is either that we change the concept of God or that we accept that He is beyond human understanding.

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People are misguided by the thought of needing someone - a lover to be specific, in order for us to grow when in reality it is the one that destroys us, kills us emotionally, which is more painful for we stay to be perfectly alive and breathing, yet we are slowly dying inside.

It happens step by step and the "falling part" is the most dangerous. Toxic yet tempting.

For decades and centuries it has developed to be more addictive and destructive, and for quite a long time now, I have obtained knowledge from my experience and so as from the others, that we - well most of, end up at the same page: Game Over.

We deify this idea of "Love", thinking as if it saves and fix. But, did it?

It's as similar as to selling your soul, your everything to the devils. It gives you everything you have ever wanted and wished for until it consumes your all and leave you with nothing but the realization that all of those are just factitious. Fucktitious.

It's extrasensory. 

Extraterritorial. 

Extraterrestrial. 

Extramarital. 

Extramural. 

Extraneous. 

Extravagant. 

It is extraordinary.

Funny how I thought that love is extraordinary when it's everywhere. It's there physically, emotionally, spiritually, unintentionally and yet, it is extraordinary. 

Love is not needed. It is wanted. We, the objects of this oblate spheroid container are just programmed to think as if love from another object of a different blood is a requirement of the soul. And we have to stop thinking that we are dependent to the opposite sex, the same sex. Because we are stronger than we think we are. Our minds are the only ones creating the limits.

Love, love, love. 

All we need isn't love.

But let me tell you one thing: I love you.

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I never really understood how the sunset became a romantic view. I don't know why but whenever I see sunsets, I am reminded of endings. After all, it is a sign that the day has ended; the light's gone and darkness overpowers the skies. I mean, if people will create an emblem more romantic, it has to be the sunrise. Many will say it is romantic because it tells you that at the end of the day, you're still together with that one you cherish. But isn't it better to know that he or she will stay with you 'till the sun rises and not just 'till the sun sets? 

   The sunset is pleasing to the eyes especially when you're by the ocean. It is an image filled with contrast and hue - The yellow rays of the sun and the pitch black night, the heat of the sun and the cool breeze of the sea, and the magical layers of blue, yellow, orange and violet. But amidst the beauty of it comes sadness of knowing that another day has passed and that you have to face reality that every day is a process of letting go as the sun does.

   Maybe that's just us - no matter how bright we once burned, we knew that eventually, we'll have to part and that what we had is just day-long, short-term and never for keeps. But no matter how short it was, it was worth it - lessons have been learned, love has been shared, lives lived together. It was not a wasted chapter of life but it was beautiful. And for that I thank you.

   Now, sunsets by the bay will never be the same. It will always bring a pain in my chest knowing that once in my life there came you, who I treasured but had to let go so fast. Not that the time with you was a painful memory, just that the parting time is just not as easy as the sunset. Maybe the sunset is never meant to be a romantic view for me, maybe it's a daily reminder of reality telling me that nothing in this world is forever, everything comes to an end - Sadly, that includes us two. 

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"Good night, Pa. I love you." 

Those were the last five words I said to you the night before you left. I didn't know those were the last words you were going to hear from me.

The day you passed away was the day I used to remember vividly and now, everything seems so blurry. There were two things that I remember, though: one, waking up to the sound of people trying to wake you up, and two, Tita Myrna announcing that you left. 

The funeral was a blur, but I wouldn't forget my emotions on your last day. To be honest, I prayed to God to bring you back to life. Of course, that didn't happen. I wanted you back because I didn't say things I wanted to say. I didn't even get the chance to show my gratitude. And I wasn't ready.

Six years later, I’m here in front of the laptop screen, thinking about what my life would've been if you were here with me. I could see us watching WWE and laugh about the wrestlers. I could see you and Mom fight a lot because I know you would allow me to do anything and give me anything that I want. I could hear you saying, “Sino nagpaiyak sa iyo? Tara, patayin natin,” in your deep voice. Well, I heard you say it before and it only made me laugh since I was just a kid back then. Now I wish you were really alive to kill him. (I’m just kidding, Pa.) And I know you would be disappointed at my chosen course because I knew from the beginning you wanted me to take up medicine, but I know you would be proud of me anyway.  

And whenever I would feel down and think about how no one loves me anymore since you and Mom are finally together again, I always think about what Ate Aileen told me. She had a dream about you and Mom: you were scolding her because she didn’t fix whatever needs to be fixed before she left. And I smile whenever I thought about that because you still look after me.

I miss you Pa. I miss those days when I would make pizza and bake cookies just for you, where you would get mad at Mom when she reprimanded me (you never ever reprimanded me.), and those random afternoons where you would call me up from my room and say, “Nagpadeliver na ako ng pizza at chicken! Bumaba ka na diyan.” I miss waking up early to jog with you. I miss our goofiness – the Sarsi and water mix. I just really miss you.

Don’t worry Pa, I’ll stop all my vices – aka sleeping late, drinking coffee and (very occasionally) alcohol, and of course, procrastination. And I promise you, I will never smoke and do drugs.

I hope you and Mommy are proud of me up there. Wait for me, ah! I’ll just be good down here so that if I ever have to leave this cruel world, I’ll be with you guys up there. (I hope He will let me in.) I’ll always be your darling little princess and remember that I won’t give up.

Good night, Pa! I love you.

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